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By the time pass by and I get older and closer to death more and mroe each day I can't help myself about not thinking death. Death is everywhere, it is in our everyday life. We don't see we don't feel but someone at this moment is dying. Sometimes its someone close to you sometimes someone you never heards of him. Bu the death all around. Don't missunderstand me I am not afraid of dying at all. All my fear is not to live the life I wanted, I expected. I am far from the life I need. Each day it seems more unlikely to live it.

 

Since I am a sick leave for a few days I didn't go out much. Its weekdays and noone is around. I am not the person who enjoys being alone anymore. I am afraid of being alone, being with myself again. I have been all alone, all myself all my life and I always seeked significant other. I am bored of staying home, doing nothing. I feel trapped and claustrophobic. It is not just because I am home and alone. I am also away from the life I want to live. I am in my own prison and I don't have the keys. There is so many people to meet, so much to do and so much to see all around the world. But I am here. Doing nothing. Nothing at all. I canNOT figure out what and how to do it.

 

I feel like my life has its own loop, maybe dejavu. When it is a loop it means that I didn't do things right for the first time and I need to do things right now and I try harder and harder. But in the end nothing is changing. I can't break the chain. I am trying to change myself. I took negative people out of my life. I am reading this happy messages to give my brain a signal to be happy. So far it didn't work out. I haven't tried meditating yet but cooking is always been a meditation for me. So I cook more often and getting better at it I guess. But it doesn't lead me anywhere. Lately I am trying to wash my brain in order to be a happier person. But every time I got slapped by the reality. Each time it is harder. All I understood from this happiness messages is, to be happy you need to be stupid. So, I need to slow down my brain and keep it away from thoughts, it was late night thought but now it is seizing all my day time too. I drink to slow down my brain. I have been doing this too long and it doesn't work anymore. It just keep running. I canNot beat my own brain. Who is control? Appreantly not me.

 

I am a fool. I believe every smile and every hug. First you feel like all your bones get together but when it is getting tighter and tighter it actually breaks your bones to the other direction. I believed that my life can turn around every time I try. But I am just a fucking fool. I try, I fail, and this is another loop I am having. I have been told that I should try till get succeeded but it is never gonna happen. Maybe it is time to wake up from big dreams. Maybe it is better not to have dreams at all. What would it look like to have a dream without a hope?