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Just two days away from my birthday and turning to 37. I will be all alone. No actual friends, no girlfriend, no family. All alone. I don’t even know if someone is going to remember if I hide my birthday on social media except 1 people. 1 person, 1 person all I have. I have a house but not a home. I have a car, I have my toys all the necessary equipment to live a decent life and all means nothing when you don’t have a person to share all of those plus happiness, hopes, future plans etc. I’m not materialistic at all. I don’t care about the house, I want a home where when I am there feel happy. I know it is not a building, it is not a place nor country.

I have been lonely for almost all my life except once. I had love in my life 16-17 years ago for 2 years. I was young then. 2 years and 1 fight only. And the second one was the end actually. I didn’t want to marry without a job and career. Do I regret? Absolutely not, not even for a single second. I was more rational then emotional then. Now I am different, very different. Life happened. Mostly on bad ways. Maybe I was cursed that I rejected one big love and can’t find another. Did I use all my rights when I didn’t marry her? This make me thinking.

All those years and only more broken hearts. I suffered a lot after the break up. I didn’t even love anyone till a few years back, maybe more than 10 years, till I meet my impossible girl where you can read the story at: (http://www.tunaozcan.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=21:my-impossible-girl&catid=2&Itemid=116). She taught me that I can love again. I wish she didn’t. I started loving and what do I have at the end? More heartbreaks.

Met another girl. She was amazing person. Very active, funny, smart and supportive. I remember, she said well done for something really small and I didn’t even think about it at all. That moment I knew what I expect from a partner. From a life partner. She was also very beautiful. I am saying was but I am sure she still is. As any other women she wasn’t interested in me at all. We had such a nice 6 months together as friends, travelled all over the turkey, went to parties, and organized parties till I screwed it up. I told her that I like her and everything was ruined already. We don’t even talk now. It really hearts having interest in another person and she doesn’t see you like that.

I tried to stop myself loving anyone. I hold myself but I still needed romance. So many years without romance and I filled all the missing feeling with food. I ate my emotions. I keep eating. Well, nowadays I try to stop. I am in a really bad emotional state which requires me to drink till death and eat if I can’t die. I am fighting while writing this post not to eat anything. I can’t sleep at nights. I will come to this a bit later. Let me go back the time when I needed romance.

I met a girl. On paper, she was the closest to my perfect woman. People who knows me that I have my very specific taste. Blonde and blue eyes. I don’t deny, but I have never dated any blonde till her. She was… I didn’t have feelings for her. I mean of course there were something but not like others. She wasn’t fulfilling all I need and I know I need a lot, I expect a lot because I know I can fulfill almost any women’s need. It works both ways, when you know you can give a lot you also start to expect a lot. Sometimes people don’t understand.

I am not talking about sex in here. I am not rich. I will never be rich. I don’t have an urge to be a rich person. People who knows me knows that I am more laid back and lazy. Yet I would do almost anything for the one I love. One of my paradoxes. I am Gemini. I have 2 or more personalities. I know I am handful, not easy to manage. Not easy to get along. I am stubborn. I will listen but will go on my own way. Some people will influence me but not all the time. Their thought must be rational or fun.

Speaking of paradox, I want to eat but I want to lose weight too. I want to lose weight because I want to be loved and once when I was loved I was running away. It sounds stupid right? Maybe it is but it is me. Do I have problems, hell yeah I have problems. My demons are visiting me more often than a woman has her period, my mind is crazy, and doesn’t work like others, my body far from being perfect, and my quirkiness at some other level. Does anyone else perfect? Of course not, you, the person who is reading this, you are dealing with some stuff in your life, you have problems, you have your own weirdness. And that’s ok. You are ok. I am ok.

All the bad things I told about me, let me tell you something good. It’s maybe not many. But I know, I have a good heart and it is in the right place, I am smart, I am fun to be with and dangerous at the same time. I love kids, I would be a great dad and great husband for the right person.

I was talking about the blonde, blondinka. I had feelings but not enough to keep the relationship and she was the same. She was having feelings for someone else too. I don’t mean that she cheated physically, but she did emotionally. I am a loyal guy. I don’t cheat. When I found out she was emotionally cheating on me while I was staying in her place. I packed everything and wanted to leave. She went psycho and locked me in the house and hid my passport and wallet. I agreed with her to go to her best friend’s birthday in order to get my stuff. Then I left, it was over for me but she tried to keep relationship.

Again, I lost another battle of love. Will I ever win? Keep reading, I tell you if I win or not.

After her, I wanted a real relationship with a real person and met one girl via another girl I know on whatsapp, flirted for almost 7 months and finally she agreed to meet. We met. I already published how the meet was, here:

http://www.tunaozcan.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=39:a-new-version-of-loneliness&catid=2&Itemid=116

As you read it, it was another failure in my love life. Maybe God, if he exists, was sending me message to stop looking for a love. But what is life without love? Of course, life is not all about love. I know that. But, something is always missing. Everything you do is half. Sometimes, you watch a movie or tv series and turn your right and no one is there. You all know I love travelling, I don’t want to travel alone anymore, I want someone to hold her hands while walking, and I don’t want to take selfies which smells loneliness. I want to love and being loved as any other human being. Nowadays I am absolutely sure that I won’t have it at all. I keep hoping and ending devastated, dissipated, even lonelier.

I met a girl recently, another epic fail in my life. I am laughing at myself about how stupid can I be while I think I am smart and adding another paradox to my life. I didn’t tell all the paradoxes I have but believe me I have a lot and maybe it is a story for another day.

Yes I met this girl online, on one of the matchmaking apps. I wasn’t really looking for her. I was looking mostly for something physical since I was broken recently. I wasn’t in love with her but our expectations didn’t meet and I felt scattered. I needed to get my things together. What helps more than random sex? The answer is food and alcohol but I already had it too much.

I found feeling at least expected times and we hit it off immediately after we meet. It was very interesting that we got very close in a day over chat and then she put some distance because everything was going so fast. I mean, I have waited for someone like this and it is not fast all. We slowly started over again and day by day, I believe it was going better, till the day before we supposed to meet. She is living in another country and I was actually changing my location there to meet woman there. So we had good 2 weeks on chat. Getting to know each other and trying to understand if this is going to work well or not. It was such a bad coincidence that the day after I arrive she was going to another country for holiday. So we didn’t have too much time and planned to spend what we have together, day and night. The day I was going to fly, I tried to make things like better times and I thought it worked. Apparently not, when I arrived I found a girl who is very distance to me, all night I tried to break the ice but at the end I was pissed of hitting the wall. She understood I was pissed off and didn’t really like what she saw. And our talk was over for it. I don’t think it was my fault but you know women always right, right? Anyway, I couldn’t sleep all night and didn’t want it to end like this. So, I went to the airport where we actually met when she came to pick me up from the airport. I have waited 1 hour on foot under the sun, not to miss her. She finally came and was even worse between us. I tried to make things better and warm us up but she wasn’t into it. I didn’t lose my hope yet, so, I tried to win her heart over text, and each day went bad till 2 days ago. That was it. We don’t talk anymore, I believe she found someone. There are a lot of signs for it and clearly not into me. 1 more energy point is lessened from the will of living I barely had.

Here, there are less than 24 hours to my 37th birthday and planning to get drunk and pass out like any other year. With my oldest friends, sad, darkness and loneliness.