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This summer was a new era in my life. It also happens to coincide with the time when I first met her. I was meeting new people from all over the world nearly every day. Nothing was actually boring, but I could still find a million reasons to get bored.

 

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I have left so many things in so many people and/or so many places that, it is fucking normal to feel empty and try to fill it food. I gave the most precious thing I have for a lot of people, and I fall in love and left my heart and mind in places I have been and people I met on the road. It is hard to get back together and I have no desire to take things back.

 

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I have tasted the defeat, the pain and the lost. I have lost many tussles. I have found my way anyway. I stood up each time. I was the anarchist to lose out. I felt I was a fighter. How many times I have resisted to the instinct of killing myself. I have always thought that I won against my feelings. That’s why I have my fighter tattoo, that’s why I have my lion tattoo. It was my fight. Only mine. I was alone. I am still alone. I was thinking that I was winning each time I choose to live. Maybe

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It has been a few days we didn't contact at all. I kinda miss her but this how it should be. She wants her space and I don't aim to ruin her holiday. When I speak to her or speak about her I may sound I need her. Let me clear this up.

 

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By the time pass by and I get older and closer to death more and mroe each day I can't help myself about not thinking death. Death is everywhere, it is in our everyday life. We don't see we don't feel but someone at this moment is dying. Sometimes its someone close to you sometimes someone you never heards of him. Bu the death all around. Don't missunderstand me I am not afraid of dying at all. All my fear is not to live the life I wanted, I expected. I am far from the life I need. Each day it

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I have a big interest about the north. Northern Europe to be exact. Lithuania, Estonia, Norway, Denmark and of course Sweden. First thing that comes to peoples mind is that there is no sun there. The sun to them is important somehow. At least for the rest of the world but not for me. I live in Turkey which is supposed to be a sunny place when compared to Nordic countries. But if you calculate that I work for 5 days a week and wake up at 6:40 am before the sun rises and I go to work and stay

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Long time ago I stopped looking for the right person. I have decided to be the right person. I came a long way and when I look back, I see how far I came and how close I am to be the right person. I had obstacles on my path to here, I had people holding me back, I had step backs. I didn't give up. I tried harder. I am here, I am me, wiser, stronger.

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Last 3 years I started noticing changes in me. Not my character nor my look. But the feelings. I used to know that I don't have feelings except hate. Hating people, hating everything was a default setting for me. It still is. Now I am considering that I am more emotional. I have other feelings too now. It is really shocking for me. It is not just love. I started to miss people when they are not around. I have never been an asshole but I wouldn't care if anyone would leave or if anyone would

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I am renting out my place. There is a woman outside of my place. It is windy and wind fondles her hair softly. She has a smile on her face, beautiful and breathe taking. She round her arms around like she is hugging someone. it is obvious that she is looking for something. Maybe for a place. My place. She is looking inside of my place thru the window. She likes it but she has doubts about the place if it is the one she wants or not. She looks like the one tenant I would like to have.

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After many years, there will be time that people in the future, will call our time as a "dreariness era”. Weird things are happening. I am meeting different kind of people. Some, they try to show that they are happy but I just see in their eyes the sadness. Somehow they see being unhappy or sad as a weakness. That ego will kill of us. We all have it. Not all, okay okay. Most of us do have it. I don't. When was the time we have learnt being emotional is a sign of being weak. I don't know who the

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Can't stop questioning a few things and cant find any answers and letting go everything on time. But the time takes me the same place I am. Where it is called sadness by people and home by me. I have been home every then and now. All this years I have thought I have been looking for a home. I was actually home. It is not a depression. It is the path I am walking. It is a spritiual malaise. It is a malaise caused by me letting the cold creep into my heart. It get me addicted. I repeat, it is not

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It is the most paintfull thing you could ever had in your life time to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go of. Nauseas, stomachache, lack of concentartion... It leads you to places where you wouldn't want to be. Knowingly making same mistake all over again... and again... and again... Maybe I need to repeat my mistake all over again untill I understand and accept it by heart.

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By the year we get wherever we are comfortable and then we start being scared of changes. I don't know how and why people get this when they get older. That was one of my biggest concern when I was young. Now I see myself getting there. I don't want to leave my comfort zone. I don't want to be in a new sea. I want my routine. It is one of the basic instincts of human nature. But I have decided not to be in my comfort zone anymore. A comfort zone is a beautiful place but nothing grows there.